How do we know that we are on the right path and how do we know that what we are doing now will prepare us for a future that is promising?  With so much uncertainty around every corner, this question is at the core of everything.  As pandemic restrictions loosen, rules become a little more vague and this looming source of fear that has been sitting on our doorsteps for the past few months begins to take a backseat to the everyday, I wonder when we will feel the reward.  When will we be ok?

So many questions and of course, so many perspectives….

Many of you know that in March of this year, I left a position of almost 15 years with a non-profit organization that I love and still love so dearly.  I left a place that throughout my career showed me trust and confidence in my abilities to share its story.  My departure was out of the blue and it was random, but my heart told me that it was necessary.  It was necessary for me to grow and to learn more about myself as a person, as a creative and as someone who wanted more out of life. To be honest, when it came time for me to resign, I knew I was a different person and that what I had to offer no longer fit.  My heart was out of place and I found myself wanting something different for myself and for my family.  It was time for a change, a new perspective and to create opportunities that gave me life.  With an abundance of fear and so many unknowns, I knew it felt right and I knew it to my chore.

Today, almost two months to the day, I am unemployed and unsure as to where my path will lead me.  While I left my job of 15 years with a plan, Covid has sent me on a detour that I never could have predicted. I know that as I write this, many can relate and truly, my heart is with you.  While this stage of life has rocked me to the core, I have been able to find so many unexpected pieces of myself that were buried down deep, far before cancer changed my world. 

Recently, I did a thing. I escaped.  Yes, it was for an hour and yes it was to the obvious empty Friday night streets of Laramie, but for me, it was big.  I wanted to see the joy and the pain that exists on the surface of my community that I currently feel so disconnected from.  I guess you could say that I wanted to feel connected again, at least to some degree and I just wanted to do something and find some worth in it all.  So, I grabbed my coat and my camera and hopped in the car that I have barely driven in the last two months and…. I just drove.  I cruised the streets for a few hours, listened to music and pulled over when I felt compelled to remember a certain feeling that a society of social distancing fostered.  Storefronts were closed, businesses were using the time to remodel, curbside deliveries were the main source of business and free was a thing! I documented the pain, the change, the beauty and the reality of not knowing where the path will lead. When I was done, I cried.  I cried because I felt so connected and so in tune with what we as a community are going through… finally.  I saw it firsthand and in no time at all, it hit me.  I too am unsure as to whether what I am doing today will create a future that is promising, not only for myself, but for my family.  We are each feeling this to a degree, especially as we begin to search for normal again.  Whether it be because a loved one is sick or being asked to work on the front lines.  Whether it is because the security of your job is in question or if you are waiting to hear if you will be asked to return when things begin to simmer.  We are each questioning our every move, the value behind it and the potential impact that it may have on us as people and those that we love.  In this tiny adventure, I realized that I’m not alone and that there are so many “things” hanging in the balance. 

This is where I gained the perspective that I needed….

Firstly, I see my children.  I really see them.  I see them face educational challenges that have only been presented to me in a thirty-minute parent-teacher conference.  I see them firsthand and I can pinpoint the root of it all and most importantly, I am able to comfort and guide them to my best ability. It may not be up to par with the godsends that have regularly blessed their lives Monday through Friday from 8-4, but it’s me and I can have an impact.   Thank you, Covid.

Secondly, with the extra down time, I have been given the opportunity to focus my attention on how I can grow and pursue a life that I am proud of.  I have said so many times that I am a budding optimist recovering from a glass half empty perspective and as I work through my own fears, I can feel the weight of the glass getting heavier.  I am fearful but I am not defeated.  Thank you, Covid.

And finally, with so much vulnerability, I have been able to find comfort in my imperfections.  The box that I once felt like I had to fit in now has multiple sides.  I can breathe and I can reach for things that I didn’t have the courage to reach for before. Granted, I could not do this without the man that I have beside me, who reassures me everyday that I am beautiful and that what I want for myself is valuable and that where I am today is different from where I was yesterday.  What can I say, maybe being cooped up for months on end with the man that I love has done me some good… although he might have a different perspective (but we won’t worry about that… sigh).  

In all honesty, I am a wee- bit lost and unsure as to where I am going… but aren’t we all? And the reality is that we NEVER know that what we are doing now is guaranteed to lead us on the right path.  But what we do know is that we can always find a way to take in what the journey gives us, whether it be good or bad.  So for now, let’s find comfort in that and thank Covid for giving us the opportunity to rebuild.  With fear, there is change and with change, there is growth and I can’t help but be thankful for the process. This feels like a rebuilding year, and I am welcoming it with open arms…. I hope you will join me!

The photos featured in my Community and Covid gallery were taken on Friday May 8th and I hope they convey a small piece of what our community is facing.  With fear, there is togetherness, accommodation and hope and while we are all being impacted on some level, it is my hope that these can be a reminder of the growth that is to come.

Stay well and never forget that there is hope in the hard!