Outside of the Box

We all have a little bit of a wild child in us… don’t we?

Well, I never thought that I did until now. Some might refer to it as a mid-life crisis, but some might see it as a path towards self-discovery.

I was raised by parents that showed me daily, what it looked like to work hard and to be responsible. My dad would often wake up at 3 a.m. to do snow removal in the winter and he constantly worked until sundown when the weather would allow him to dig a little bit more. He came home every night with dirty jeans and dirty fingernails but never neglected to make it in time for dinner. He was good to my mom and he took excellent care of my brother and I, and he did what he knew how to do, even if it meant enduring the challenges of owning a business. While he took care of the down and dirty work, my mom took care of the rest. She answered every phone call, entered in every pay roll and maintained a welcoming office that exceeded any construction business that I had ever seen. She was more than just a secretary or a bookkeeper; she was a keeper of the brand and a prideful owner of what she knew she could contribute. Did she love construction? Not really.  But she loved my dad and she loved the role that she played in making sure that the livelihood of her family remained intact. Together, my mom and dad functioned as a team and worked so hard to maintain credibility and honor. The example that was set before me was solid. Of course, it had its moments, because well, being married to and working for your boss (on both ends) must be a challenge. But to me, it only proved that they were in it for each other, both professionally and personally. And they weren’t just “in it,” they were “all in.” 

Thanks to them, I knew nothing different. For years, I loved what I did and for years I felt as though I was all in, both personally and professionally. I felt value in the things that I was doing, and I felt like I was growing through the challenges and working to better myself as each bump in the road presented itself. I was making myself proud and above all, I was living within the example that my family had set for me;  putting my all into the everyday and giving my heart to the mission that I so dearly loved. Work was my life. It kept me up at night and oddly enough, the shower was the place that I was constantly sprouting new ideas and perspectives. I was passionate and I was present when it came to my career and it fulfilled me. Sure, there were things that drained me and things that I couldn’t wait to get done with (I mean, who really likes sitting through three-hour mandatory staff meetings? Not me, and surely not many of you) but it was part of the gig and I knew I would survive and walk away with a bit of joy that came with my role. 

For so long, life felt on track and manageable. It all fit into this wonderful prepacked box that included a successful job, a loving husband, a beautiful home, children, family, friends, animals… all the things. It served me well and it fulfilled the need that I had to make my parents and myself proud and it allowed me to serve a valuable role in providing for my family. Of course, after telling me that my company was lucky to have me, my husband would often tell me that I worked too much and that I let the things that hold very little weight consume my life. I could see it, but I thought it was necessary. Looking back, I won’t tell you that he was wrong, but if you want success, there has to be some heartache, right? Today, I realize that he was right. And sadly, I hate to say this, but it took our son getting cancer and my mother losing her life for me to realize this. When it came to my career, I was too present, and I was too vulnerable to the things that could have waited until the next morning. They didn’t need to take over my sleeping hours or dinner time conversation and they didn’t need to consume the time that I had on the weekends or evenings to just enjoy the fresh air and the sweet and loving company that I had. There was more to life and I was missing it. I was living to work and not working to live, and on top of that my passion for my job had dwindled. With this realization came so much regret for the time that I had let go, but with it also came so much growth. 

In the thick of Austin’s diagnosis, my perspective shifted and the things that mattered before began to take a back seat. I was changed and my heart was no longer in the place that it once was and losing my mom took me even further off the path. I began to see the things that mattered a little bit more clearly and leaving a career that gave me a solid foundation was the next step. 

Life is too short.  You must live it, feel it and breathe it because it really could be gone in a second.

Through this journey, I have come to realize that life shouldn’t be about fitting inside of a prepacked box.  It should be about stepping outside of the box and doing the things that make you scared but also feel alive. It should be about using your passion to jump in headfirst and at times worrying about the details later. It should be about getting rid of that box!

Admittedly, today, my path is a bit bumpy, but I feel like I am patiently finding my way.  Of course, there are a few straggling trails that entice me to wander and explore.  The old me would have been weary of the straggling trails but today, I am thankful to have the desire to pursue them. I can feel a little inner wild child coming to the surface and with so many unknowns, I have never felt freer.   

But, rest assured, this whole wild child thing isn’t something that will take me to the dark side. Responsibility, honor, dedication and pride will still be the components of which I operate on (thanks to the example my parents set for me). The way in which I share them just may look a little bit different and may be a little bit more “outside of the box.”

I hope you stick with me as I begin to build a space that I crave so much; a space where I can express myself freely, do hard things and do them well, and walk away feeling as though my voice and my journey can speak to others as well.

Love you all and stay happy, healthy and safe!   And maybe, step outside of your box a little.

P. S. This sweet girl is my most favorite niece and wild child in this world. Her name is Maeve and her desire to wander the straggling trails and be her own person is what inspired me to share this perspective. She’s a tiny human with so many layers (and no boxes) and I like to think that one day, I will be just like her.