Let’s Unravel Some Things…

First off, welcome and I am sure you are wondering what this whole “blog with perspective” platform is all about.  Well, first off, it feels vague and trust me, I get it! To offer some clarity, here is what it’s not.  I am not looking to guide you through your health and wellness, providing you with all the green beauty and clean eating options available.  I am not going to be sharing investment ideas and leading you on a trail to financial wellness; although, God knows I need one of those.  I am not here to tell you who wore it best and I am certainly not here to look like I have it all together.  In fact, I am here to show you how I do not and maybe give you a glimpse of how celebrating the chaos and diving deep into the imperfections gives you a different view.   

As a budding optimist, in recovery from a life of a glass-half-empty perspective, I have learned to find joy in the smallest of things.  Hard truth…. life is hard, but it is blessed with imperfections and it is dressed in misconceptions.  It just takes a little digging to find the clarity and it takes a little perspective to find the joy that may be buried down deep. 

So, next, you are probably wondering where this idea came from and what compelled me to create such a space.

Well, let me just start from the beginning.

Writing hasn’t always been a passion of mine.  I can recall winning a couple of essay contests in elementary and middle school, excelling in my high school journalism class and feeling overloaded with research-based reports for my undergraduate and master’s degrees.  Let’s just say I was good at it, but I didn’t exactly find joy in it or seek out opportunities to put pen to paper.  I mean, I always thought people who enjoyed journaling must be “chill” and insightful and they probably had a lot of cool perspectives on life that I just didn’t.  

Fast forward to my mid-late 20’s when I became a wife, a homeowner, and a mother of two boys with a full-time job at a local non-profit organization.  Life was full (or so I thought) and nothing outside of the everyday professional and household obligations, an occasional day away, and maybe a cocktail or two in between was happening.  That was life and while I was so thankful for it all, I didn’t know that it could all change so drastically and so quickly.

Now, there is a lot to unravel but I won’t throw it all at you here; at least not yet.  But rest assured that I will certainly give you some bits and pieces along the way. 

Instead, I will just say this…

It is crazy how a cancer diagnosis can shift your outlook on life, from glass-half-empty to glass-half-full.

It feels like a major life event such as this should have the opposite effect, at least to some degree.   For, me, this wasn’t the case and if anything, it gave me perspective and a giant shove into the optimistic side of life. 

It all started on Saturday March 6th, 2016. The boys, my husband and I had just bought tickets at the local movie theater to catch the evening show.  After purchasing tickets, we decided to play around at the nearby park, enjoy the nice weather and then head home for the day to relax until it was time to head over to the theater again.   Home we went, and relax we did!   

To get right to it, as we were lounging around, we found an unusual rash on our five-year-old son’s lower rib cage.  This was concerning to us and added to the worries that we had, stemming from other health issues occurring that, at that point, we had been unable to find concrete answers to.  Being the glass-half-empty type person that I was and the one who overthinks everything, I felt it necessary to pick up the phone and text our pediatrician.  She then instructed us to call the ER, and under their direction, we headed to get our son checked in and evaluated.  After blood tests, and a few hours of waiting in the ER, my husband and I received the news that tests revealed severe anemia and blood cell counts that would indicate likely signs of Leukemia. The news was devastating for us both; panic set in, tears flowed, and a consistent breath was hard to find.  I was speechless and my husband was our strength.  Our son had cancer. The glass-half- empty me came out in full force and went straight to the worst-case scenarios.  I was asking myself questions like, “how long do we have” vs. telling myself, “we will fight this.”   For me, life was forever changed from that moment on and with so much fear, anxiety and unpredictability, I had to find a different voice; one that came from a place of strength and honesty in my vulnerability.  I had to say good-bye to the mindset that life wasn’t where I wanted it to be and embrace the beauty and imperfections that life presents to us daily, even with cancer being a major component.  I had no choice but to be strong.

Thankfully, as Austin underwent 40 months of intensive chemotherapy and ten rounds of cranial radiation, I was able to find the beauty in the hard and share it with my son and with those that love him dearly.  Writing (and photography) helped me find the voice that I needed to be strong for my son, and my family and it helped me see life from a whole different view.   It was a difficult and life-changing journey, but it was one that paved a path for all of us to grow together.  

Looking back, this new and budding perspective that came from walking alongside my warrior of a son, his younger comedian of brother and my committed and grounded husband as we all fought hard against such a critical illness; writing gave me the foundation to push through the next challenge that life was about to hand over to me.

On March 20th, 2019, my mother, my best friend, my constant supporter and my mentor was diagnosed with Anaplastic Thyroid cancer, a terminal cancer with little to no-chance of survival.   Yes, it was another diagnosis that came out of left field, but this was not the same.  Her diagnosis brought me to my knees.  Austin had hope, but my mother didn’t.  She was only given time, and this hit hard as I felt my strength slipping.  In the first month, I lost myself and my need to write because putting pen to paper just made it feel too real.  With no idea of how long I had left with her, I was about to watch her go through something that I never could have imagined, and I had to stay strong.  I had to be the person that she had always been for me. 

I prayed a lot, but I couldn’t write.  

As time went on and as my mom received news after news, whether it was uplifting or a step back, I was able to gain some perspective again, even though writing still wasn’t a thing.  Every moment with her was purposeful and intentional because it had to be.  I wasn’t going to let life be about loss, and I was going to do my best to give her my most committed and loving self while giving her a shoulder to cry on and a place where the tiniest moments could be celebrated.   Austin’s journey taught me that and writing brought it all to the surface.

Sadly, we lost her that September and I again lost my strength.  Her absence left a huge gaping whole in my heart and there was no filling it. Depression and anxiety set in and when it was time, so did my writing.  I was back to searching for the perspective that I once had and needed again.  I needed to be reminded that there is beauty in the hard, telling myself daily that…

Life is too short, and it’s all about perspective.

My mom was a teacher of this, and I look forward to sharing more about her with you further down the road.  For now, I am just thankful to have this platform to be able to provide myself and you with beautiful reminders that there is beauty in the hard and that perfection is not what guides life.  It is your perspective.

Now, if you need me too, I will claim a niche to hopefully give you some confidence in the type of content that I will be sharing here.  So, with that, let’s just call River + Bee a lifestyle blog, but one with a little perspective, a moderate amount of chaos and a whole lot of authenticity. 

I am looking forward to sharing with you, the challenges that come with parenting and the beautiful chaos that accompanies it all. I am eager to share the thoughts that are constantly running around in my heart and mind when it comes to grief and hardship, some spur of the moment and some that will grow over time. I know it will be uplifting and a place worth visiting, and I hope you will find comfort in the journey.

Thanks for reading friends and cheers!

Here is to the hope that you will check back in!